Not meant to be.....

Well, I'm extremely sad to say that this situation didn't work out with Amanda. We made the decision yesterday afternoon. Amanda's mother was continuing to make things difficult and basically said that if we didn't agree to pay for all medical bills---no matter what, they wanted to look at other adoptive parents. We had to cut our loses and move on. We just couldn't put ourselves in that type of situation. Most likely everything would have been fine and we would just have to pay for a typical delivery situation, but what if it wasn't??? And the craziest thing of all is that she was getting on her high horse on medical care-like we didn't want the best care for Amanda or her baby-yet the mother hasn't even taken her own daughter to the doctor and by now she has to be 18-19 wks along. It's almost comical.

The adoption coordinator basically told me that this mother was sending alot of "red flags" and she thought that we shouldn't go forward. It broke our hearts to have to turn away, but we just couldn't go into with a good feeling. We have to conclude that this probably wouldn't be the last type of confrontation the mother would throw at us. She was truly being unreasonable and very difficult to work with.

Needless to say we are devastated. We go from a super high to an extreme low. I know that another baby is already being prepared...I have to keep on saying that to myself. It's funny to hear me say this right now...but God is good. I prayed yesterday morning that if this baby wasn't meant to be ours to just let it end now. He definitely answered my prayer...although it really wasn't the answer I wanted! I wanted it to be..yes this is definitely the child I have for you and everything is going to work out perfect!

Do continue to pray for Amanda and her baby. Her mom doesn't seem very supportive. Pray for us. Pray that we will get our prayers answered quickly and OUR baby will be in our arms soon. We want this so desperately and it's easy to get discouraged.

Why can't anything be easy?

The doctor's appt has now been pushed back to November 27th. I guess the other office she scheduled with found out she has no insurance and sent her to a "lower income" facility. That's almost 2 wks past the previous appt. It's all so frustrating. She hasn't once seen a doctor and now we have to have 5 more wks??? AGGGHHHH!!!

Another HUGE issue is that she doesn't and can't get insurance. Her parents are claiming her on their taxes but aren't providing insurance for her. So--if we go thru with this we would be financially obligated to pay any and all doctor/hospital bills. Obviously we aren't going to set ourselves up for a financial disaster--I mean what if, heaven forbid, something happens during the delivery? We could be liable for thousands of dollars. We just can't do that...it's just so frustrating!!! I feel this heavy burden on my shoulders. All we want is a healthy baby and now this might slip thru our fingers because she doesn't have insurance. I asked the agency what typically happens in this situation and she says that it doesn't happen often. Either the girl has insurance or she is able to get Medicad.

I just want some answers--I really want to talk to her parents but without Amanda's permission I'm not able to. How can they let their daughter be pregnant with no insurance and not have taken her to the doctor??? I don't get it.

Pray for me today-I need it. I feel like we are so close and it's going to slip thru our fingers.

The REST of the story

Friday we spoke to our potential birth mother-Amanda. She's 18 years old and graduated last year from High School. She's not going to college or working at this time. She does want to go to college and is hoping to enroll for Spring semester. I was so nervous talking to her. I know I probably kept rattling on and on. We did have a good conversation-we spoke for about 45 minutes.

After talking to her, my biggest concern is that she has not seen a doctor yet and she's 16 wks along or so-she thinks she's due middle of March. That was one of the conversations I had with the agency after speaking to Amanda. I mean, how can we say we'll proceed with adoption if we don't even know how the baby is doing. She doesn't have insurance, she's living with her parents who are still claiming her on their taxes so she can't qualify for government assistance. SO, now we have to figure out a way to get insurance for her. We've told her that we would pay for the 1st doctor's appt and in the mean time figure out what our options are for the rest of her health care.

I'm frustrated because to me it's easy to see that Amanda needs some guidance. I get that she messed up, but how can you let your daughter not go to the doctor when she's pregnant? I just don't get it.

Amanda has found a doctor and she has an appt scheduled for November 14th. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!! She should be about 20 wks along and we should be able to find out the sex of the baby. Amanda asked if we wanted to know and I told we did, but if she didn't, we were okay with that. 3 wks seems like forever away, but then again, it's 3 wks closer to her due date!

These next 5 months will probably be the slowest time event ever! Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas stood still? The worst part is that you want to plan for a baby--you need to plan for the baby. I just won't be able to. There's just no way that I'll be able to decorate a room-even if we do find out the sex-not knowing for sure if we'll actually be bringing this little one home.

I was telling a friend last night that I hate being negative--and I feel negative right now. Usually I'm so upbeat about life in general...we have had so many disappoints when it comes to bringing children in our lives. I just want it happen to me. Selfish to say, I know. But it's true.

HOLLLAAA to the Birthday Boy!

This is a shout out to my little brother, Zach. Today is his 17th birthday! Happy Birthday SHNUBBA!!! :) Your sister loves you.

In the beginning.....

Where to start? Oh yes, the beginning.....

Michael and I have tried to conceive for almost 8 years now. Who would have thought that I would have trouble getting pregnant? Never in a million years would I have dreamed that this would happen to me, to us. We spent the 1st years of our marriage trying NOT to get pregnant--we wanted to get everything "perfect". Isn't that funny? Like any part of life is ever perfect-silly me!

Believe me, there's a ton of story to tell between 8 years ago and now, but I'm going to fast forward. The "rest of the story" will have to wait for another day.

Okay-5 months ago is when this story begins. We decided we were going to commit to adopting and work with Lifetime which is a adoption facilitator out of California. We filled out the paperwork, made the phone call and financially committed to Lifetime in June. It was exciting but there was still a lot to do to get "our story" to the birth mothers. We had to make a profile-our entire life history, our wants and dreams-compiled into 12 pages! Believe me, that was tough. We finally got it completed and sent it off. Of course, I thought that within days of OUR profiles arriving we would be "matched" to a birth mother. That wasn't the case, but still I had faith that good news would come any day.

Our any day came last week. I was having an unbelievable day. I went in for a check up with my orthodontist-yes, I have braces-and she told me I was getting my braces off in 3 weeks! WHOO HOOO! I couldn't believe it...I was expecting to have them on for a couple more months. Then, I was driving home and got caught speeding thru town. I was going 56 in a 40-eek, I know. He let me off with a warning. I was like-YES! Later, I was talking to my boss and told him about my day. I said-good things always come in three's. Only one more thing! I was joking of course and I had no idea what was in store. It was late in the afternoon. I was feeling very prayerful. I just broke down. I laid my heart on the line-which is kinda funny. He already knows but it felt so good releasing all the pain and longing that I had. I told Him how ready I was to be a mommy-we've been waiting for so long. I told Him to please let us get a call quickly...He put this longing to be a mom in my heart and soul and I need it to be fulfilled.

Don't you always feel so much better after a good cry and a talk with the Almighty? I know I did. I just felt all my frustration and sadness gone. It's funny, because it's not like I haven't prayed those same thoughts and feelings, but for some reason, this time it was different. I truly felt His peace cover me.

Not 5 minutes after my prayer, my phone rings. I really didn't think much about it, except that the caller ID said private name and number. I thought...interesting, I wonder who that would be. I picked it up and it was adoption agency. She was telling me that a birth mom picked us out of all the profiles she received and wanted to talk to us. I couldn't believe it! Still thinking about that moment, I tear up. I took a moment to compose myself and listened to Bree tell me about this person that might give us the baby my heart & soul has yearned for. It was hard to concentrate. All I wanted to do was to just start crying and thank Him for making this happen.

It's all surreal right now. I want this to happen but I'm so scared of what could happen-does that make sense? I want to be excited but I'm just so afraid. I'm desparately trying to lay this is God's hands. I know that He has been with us the entire time and He will take care of us. I just want a healthy baby so bad, sometimes it just hurts.