I think she might be here before we know it!

Spoke with Myra today-she called saying she went back in to the dr...she didn't want to go to the ER so Dr. Hannah squeezed her in. She's having alot of pelvic pressure, she's having trouble even walking around and unfortunately she's still not feeling great. Dr Hannah wants to do another ultrasound on the 4th which is our next scheduled appt. He told her today that he thinks she might be bigger than he thought.....I keep saying I think she's coming no later than the 2nd wk in November.

I'm so ready for her to get here-well, as long as she's healthy I want her to come now! :)

Decisions, Decisions....

Well after much prayer, tears and stress we have decided not to go forward with Ester. We made it official last Tuesday. It was hard calling Lifetime and letting them know but we both knew it needed to be done. I definitely didn't want to be the one that told Ester-how horrid would that have been? I feel at peace with the decision and know that it was made with careful thought, earnest prayers and extreme patience. I still pray for Ester and the family that will be taking this little boy.

We had an eventful day yesterday-we went to with Myra for her dr's appt-she's almost 32 wks, and when we get there Myra says-the baby hasn't been moving as much as she normally does....the nurse checks the baby's heart rate and it looks good. Then she comes in after speaking with Dr. Hannah and say that he wants to put her on a monitor for about 20 min. They tell us that the heart rate should spike often which tells them that she is moving around all is good. Dr Hannah comes in and isn't satisfied with the results and tells us to go the hospital for further eval. He tells that they are going give Myra some IV fluids and that should probably do the trick. (side note-I forgot to mention that she's been throwing up and not feeling well for the past day or so) He says worst case scenario, we will have to go ahead and deliver if she doesn't respond to the IV. I'm thinking...holy moly she can't come yet-it's not time...I want her to be healthy...please don't let anything be wrong with her...keep her healthy...please let everything be okay.

We head over to the hospital and they hook her up to the machine, take blood and start the IV. At 1st our little one didn't respond but after the bag was almost gone she started to get a lot more spunky. WHOOOH....what a day! We picked Myra up at 9 and got home after 4. Myra seems to be feeling better too, she was just really tired.

Things continue to go well with Myra, although she's very, very stressed. Pray for her peace-not just with her giving her little to us, but peace in her recovery and peace as she tries to get her life back in order. She's carrying the weight of the world on her shoulders and I know that He can help relieve them.

Happy Birthday Michael!

Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday dear Michael, Happy Birthday to you!!

Today is Michael's birthday...and I'm sad to say that he's working and I'm frantically trying to get my suitcase packed to head to Dallas. BUMMER!!! I'm sorry baby!

Last night we had a few friends over and celebrated inpromto style. Although it was HIS birthday he wanted to grill so he made filet's and tuna steaks on shish kabobs. Yummidy! I made Michael's favorite-homemade apple pie. It totally stinks I'm leaving for a wk. Life has been so crazy, crazy, crazy it feels like we haven't stopped to just chill out in forever.

So, as one extra birthday present I want to tell the world how much I love you and am so blessed God chose YOU for me. We've been though a lot o' drama, but it has only made us closer and I'm so thankful for that and so thankful for you! LOVE! :)

Long Awaited News--sorry!

I know you guys have been waiting and waiting for news. It's just been another one of those wks-I've been unpacking and catching up just so I can prepare to leave again on Sat for a wk. I'm going to Dallas for work.

We had a great time with Molly and Stan. I'll post later about that. It was so good to see her. I needed that time with my sister.

So here's the story-I called Ester on Wednesday on our way back from Molly's house to set up the time to meet her and the kids. She tells me that it all sounded good and to call back when we arrive at the hotel. We had planned for 5ish. I called about 4:00 to set up the time and give her the address, etc and she says-my cousin is stuck in traffic and doesn't know when she'll be home. I was like-okay what do you want to do now? She said-well the kids have a lot of homework.....so maybe we should just meet at the dr's office tomorrow. I told her if that's what she wanted to do, that was fine. Inside I was thinking-I knew you were going to pull something like this. I confirmed with her the time for the dr's appt and she said to be there at 9:30.

Next morning-we get to the dr's office and Ester is not there. It's 9:45 no Ester, 10:00 no Ester. Finally I say-how long are we going to sit here and wait??? We decide to go and get a coffee and come back. Michael said if she's still not there, we are leaving and we're done. I agree. I'm getting more and more irritated. We head outside and I hear my name being called. We look to the right and find Ester with her sister sittng on a bench outside the offices. I'm thinking-why are you sitting here? We met and I'm kind of shocked. Not at all what I expected. She gives us a card the kids made for us with a picture of the ultrasound. The whole time I'm looking at it I'm faking the excitement--to myself I'm looking at it thinking-it's a baby.....not it's MY baby. It freaks me out that I'm feeling this way. Ester asks were you up at the office? I was like-YES you told us to be there at 9:30. She was like-are they open? I was like yeah, there's people up there. Whack-a-doodle!

We go upstairs to the dr's office. They did another ultrasound and the whole time it was like I was somewhere else. I was just going thru the motions...trying to pretend like I was so happy and inside I just wanted to leave. I felt NO connection with the baby-none. All I have to compare it to is Myra. I love going to the dr with Myra, love looking at the ultrasound pics that are up on the refrigerator. I trace her little nose and face all the time. I feel 180 degrees different about Myra than I do Ester. There's no comparison. None at all. This feeling in itself is overwhelming. What's wrong with ME? Why do I feel like this?

There's other things that happen, but honestly I don't feel like writing them all down. I told Michael how I was feeling on our way back home...I think he knew my heart wasn't in it. We are both struggling-we don't want to make a wrong decision. Why does this have to be so hard? I don't want to do anything I will regret. I was not super excited about going to meet Ester, but I had prayed that we would get an answer. I had hoped the answer would be relief and know that going forward was the decision, but we got another answer.

Honestly my heart has already left him for another mom to love. My heart is with my precious little girl who I can't wait to love. Once I told Michael how I felt and it was like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. My stress level has gone down considerably. I've been able to sleep again and actually enjoy thinking about what's in store for us. Am I bad person? Am I a horrible, horrible person??? I just feel like the situation with Myra is so right and Ester is so wrong.

Michael's worried about what we'll tell people. And I told him we tell them that the situation was not right for our family-that's all there is to it. I think Michael doesn't think so either, but he's so loyal and feels like we have already committed to Ester so we must go thru with it.

Another huge consideration is that we want to do invitro again. The nurse told us we need to do this asap as my eggs are ageing and the longer we wait the less chance we have of being successful. I told Michael that there's no way we can try in January or February and have 2 tiny babies at home. One goal with invitro is trying to be as stress free as possible...with one there's stress, but 2??!!

Obviously this is a hard, stressful, sad situation to be in. I know people will judge our decision-but we have to do what's right for us-stand by it and never look back. This will probably be one of the hardest things we've ever done. We are praying for Him to wrap His arms around us. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for Him to show us what we are supposed to do and I think He has.