Muddling thru....

I'm back...well at least most of me is back. I'm feeling better. I was able to talk about it today to someone who had heard the good news but hadn't heard the rest of the story. I didn't cry or even tear up. I'm thinking that's a good sign.

It's so strange to think how quickly your life can change in a split second. I keep replaying last Thursday and the 24 hours after it. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like that. And honestly I don't ever want to do that again. The let down was so miserable. It was like a dream and everything was in slow-mo. Very surreal.

I must say that trying to adopt is alot harder than I ever imagined. When we went thru our failed invitro, I told Michael that I just couldn't do this again without having a baby in my arms. Adoption seemed like it was going to be so easy compared to the drugs and medical procedures we went thru...especially when you end up empty handed. I don't know...after facing last wk-I'm thinking that was definitely harder.

I've been praying. I'm talking to God constantly-He's probably so tired of hearing me. I keep repeating...please let your time and my time finally collide. Please let this happen soon. Please answer my prayers quickly. I know that He is always working in my life, but these last fews weeks I was seeing it happen. I said a prayer and then days later it would be. I wish that would happen now. I'm ready for the real deal...I'm ready for a baby to be ours. Waiting is so difficult. And I don't want anymore "false alarms".

I worry now that I won't be excited when it finally does happen. I want to be happy-I want to be thrilled when we are matched with our baby. I'm just so scared that not only will the mom change her mind, but of what could happen in delivery. How do you not think about that now? Impossible.

I'm ready for Him to reveal our child...I've never been more ready in my life. Please pray that He'll show us soon and we can begin our happily ever after.

How much more can we take?

I've dreaded facing my blog, facing people, facing emails...facing life in general. Michael & I have holed ourselves up in our home this weekend. I know that I have to face the world, but I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I'm trying to rely on Him, I really am. I keep praying..give me strength..help me make it thru..bring me out of my sorrow. I feel like I have a temporary band-aid and I'm fine for a little bit and then all the pain creeps up again. Michael has been amazing....I mean amazing. I couldn't have made it without his strength & love. I feel like a basket case.

I might as well get this out...we lost the baby. When I say lost, I mean he passed away. I got a call not even 5 hours after I posted my last blog that the birth mother when into the labor Friday morning and our baby had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and didn't make it thru delivery. I'm writing these words and I still can't believe it happened. How could it be that just the day before we were rejoicing because this was THE ONE? I knew...I knew it in my heart of hearts.

I was so mad...I mean sooooo mad. How can He be this cruel? I felt like He dangled this perfect carrot in front of us just to pull it away the next day in the most horrible way. How can He let this happen? Haven't we been patient enough? Haven't we been tested enough? Aren't we good enough? Don't we deserve to have children? Why, why, why? I feel as though my heart was ripped out of my chest, stomped and kicked around, and then put back in. Why are we being punished?? I know, people say, that wasn't your baby...there's a plan.....blah, blah, blah. That's not what I want to hear. I'm tired of hearing that. I wanted that to be my baby. I already loved him and hadn't even met him yet. He was mine and I was his mommy.

I have nothing positive to say right now. I'm sorry. I do love God and I know that He loves me. I know He really didn't do this to us, but that's how I feel--right now. I just need so time to get some perspective. So many other horrible things happen in this world and I know we can get thru this. I just am so ready to be a mommy and when I think about how close I came it just breaks my heart, literally.

My family and friends have been so wonderful. You were rejoicing with us when we thought our prayers were finally being answered and you were crying for us when the unthinkable happened. I love you...I know I owe alot of you emails and phone calls. Just know I'm getting them. I just can't talk about it right now. I need to talk to God for awhile....

Wait till you hear this!

I know that I left the last blog with Sarah...every day with her was a new long detailed email asking a million questions. We were truly being interviewed and it was so hard knowing that she was doing the same with another family. Tuesday we had an email from her saying she wanted to speak to us. So, of course we were more than willing. We had it set for last night (Thursday). In the mean time she sent me a couple more correspondence with facts as well as more questions for us. Seriously-we had been emailing for exactly 8 days now and I had 18 pages of emails between both of us! The last batch of questions asked me about how we would go about picking a babysitter and that she had already prayed about a name for her son and wanted to know how we felt about it. The name she chose was not a name we would have chosen at all. I mean how can we not get to name our son??? It was so weird.

So-let me go back. Sarah is bipolar. Her mom died of terminal cancer 10 years ago and Sarah went into deep depression and from that came her diagnosis. On Saturday I sent her another detailed email answering questions and just chatting as we had done since we started on Wednesday. Sat night, no email-Sunday night, no email, Monday night, no email. I was getting concerned. I thought-what in the world happened between Sat and Monday? I know that doesn't seem like a long time, but in our world it really was! Tuesday morning I finally get a note and it reads-I spoke with a another family last night and was hoping to talk to you. Are you still interested?-I was like--what does that mean? Are we still interested???? I was getting all worked up about it and thought...here we go again.

I prayed Tuesday...I prayed hard. I prayed in the same place that I prayed only 2 wks ago when I asked for a phone call to come quickly. I prayed that if Sarah wasn't carrying our baby and that if another birth mother called us in the mean time we would know we need to walk away. So get this--hold on--it's truly another answered prayer!

Let me preface the next paragraph by saying that I had meetings this week and my bosses in from California which has added a little bit more craziness to all of this. They are leaving this afternoon.

We were in the car driving from a store check yesterday on our way to lunch. I get a call from Lifetime and it's a different coordinator-Veronica. She was assigned to us, so I thought she was checking in wanting to know how we felt about Sarah because the email situation was very different from what normally happens. She said-I know you're working with another possible birthmom, but I have someone else that wants to speak to you. She sounded urgent and I was having trouble hearing so I told her I would call her back in 15 minutes. I thought-this is awesome-this is the answer I'd asked for and was anxious to hear all the details. I called her back and she said, I have a birthmother that wants to talk to you right away, she's having a boy and she's going to be induced in 6 days....(yes, that's right 6 days!) I totally was trying to be calm but in my head I was thinking 6 days...on my word. She said the mother is 26 and already has 4 children. The baby is Hispanic and she wants a closed adoption. (I was like...this is EXACTLY what we wanted) I had dreamt 2-3 wks ago about holding our baby and it was a Hispanic boy--seriously. I had never dreamt about my baby in all my life until that moment. I remember telling Michael the next morning about the dream and we both said-that would be a dream come true.

SOOOOOO-long story short now is we spoke to the mom-Samantha twice and she did "match" with us. Today-between my appts-I have to call the attorney and figure out exactly what we need to do now to take our baby home with us, get air tickets, call our insurance people and find a place to stay. We are planning on leaving Tuesday for CA and she's inducing Wednesday, the 14th at 7am. We will be there in the delivery room...Michael gets to cut the cord! She said she wanted to see him when the deliver him, but that's it and then he is ours!!! I'm really going to be a mommy...in less than a wk. I really can't believe it!

I know this is alot right now for everyone. My momma and sister were in total shock...as both Michael and I are. Please continue to pray for us and pray add Samantha and our baby to the list. (We haven't chosen a name yet--we thought we had plenty of time!) We have so much to do and to get before we leave. I'll try and post at least one more time before we leave and I'll take my computer with me so I can post there and send pics!

I am so humbled that this is happening. Our God is so great!!! This has been such a hard process but thru it all I knew that He truly did have great plans for us. I'm going to be a MOMMY!!!!!!!

New News!

What an emotional rollercoaster this has been! It's just crazy. I mean, I knew it would be difficult and we would have some tough times, but who can prepare themselves for the wave of emotions that follow wanting something so bad and just watching as it slips out of your grasp. We truly felt miserable Tuesday and was trying to pick up our boot straps and move on. What else can you do?

Wednesday comes.....

Wednesday at 3:30 we get a call from Diane at Lifetime. Another birthmother is looking at us and wants our email address so we can correspond. Yes, that's right...one day after our horrible news. I couldn't believe it...I really and truly couldn't. We were looking at the framing of our new home and I told Michael after I got off the phone. He said--your joking. Like I would EVER joke about something like that.

God is so good! I am humbled that He knows exactly what we need and He knew that we needed something like another potential birthmom.

Sarah is this birthmothers name. She has a very interesting situation. She already has a 2 yr old little girl and both children have the same dad. She is not married, but dating the father. She is in a financial crisis and they know they can't take care of more than one child. She is 5 months along and is due March 3rd. It's a boy. Everything looks great with both baby and mom. She sent me an email this morning asking questions...she looking at one other family. I responded immediately and she's already sent me another email with more questions. And yes, I've already answered that email! She said she wants to make her decision quickly but not with too much haste. So, we will continue to be patient and hope, pray, hope, pray that it works out.

Keep checking in, because you know I'll keep you posted! :)

Side note-I just want to say that everyones comments whether via email, on the blog or in person are so uplifting. Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Not meant to be.....

Well, I'm extremely sad to say that this situation didn't work out with Amanda. We made the decision yesterday afternoon. Amanda's mother was continuing to make things difficult and basically said that if we didn't agree to pay for all medical bills---no matter what, they wanted to look at other adoptive parents. We had to cut our loses and move on. We just couldn't put ourselves in that type of situation. Most likely everything would have been fine and we would just have to pay for a typical delivery situation, but what if it wasn't??? And the craziest thing of all is that she was getting on her high horse on medical care-like we didn't want the best care for Amanda or her baby-yet the mother hasn't even taken her own daughter to the doctor and by now she has to be 18-19 wks along. It's almost comical.

The adoption coordinator basically told me that this mother was sending alot of "red flags" and she thought that we shouldn't go forward. It broke our hearts to have to turn away, but we just couldn't go into with a good feeling. We have to conclude that this probably wouldn't be the last type of confrontation the mother would throw at us. She was truly being unreasonable and very difficult to work with.

Needless to say we are devastated. We go from a super high to an extreme low. I know that another baby is already being prepared...I have to keep on saying that to myself. It's funny to hear me say this right now...but God is good. I prayed yesterday morning that if this baby wasn't meant to be ours to just let it end now. He definitely answered my prayer...although it really wasn't the answer I wanted! I wanted it to be..yes this is definitely the child I have for you and everything is going to work out perfect!

Do continue to pray for Amanda and her baby. Her mom doesn't seem very supportive. Pray for us. Pray that we will get our prayers answered quickly and OUR baby will be in our arms soon. We want this so desperately and it's easy to get discouraged.

Why can't anything be easy?

The doctor's appt has now been pushed back to November 27th. I guess the other office she scheduled with found out she has no insurance and sent her to a "lower income" facility. That's almost 2 wks past the previous appt. It's all so frustrating. She hasn't once seen a doctor and now we have to have 5 more wks??? AGGGHHHH!!!

Another HUGE issue is that she doesn't and can't get insurance. Her parents are claiming her on their taxes but aren't providing insurance for her. So--if we go thru with this we would be financially obligated to pay any and all doctor/hospital bills. Obviously we aren't going to set ourselves up for a financial disaster--I mean what if, heaven forbid, something happens during the delivery? We could be liable for thousands of dollars. We just can't do that...it's just so frustrating!!! I feel this heavy burden on my shoulders. All we want is a healthy baby and now this might slip thru our fingers because she doesn't have insurance. I asked the agency what typically happens in this situation and she says that it doesn't happen often. Either the girl has insurance or she is able to get Medicad.

I just want some answers--I really want to talk to her parents but without Amanda's permission I'm not able to. How can they let their daughter be pregnant with no insurance and not have taken her to the doctor??? I don't get it.

Pray for me today-I need it. I feel like we are so close and it's going to slip thru our fingers.

The REST of the story

Friday we spoke to our potential birth mother-Amanda. She's 18 years old and graduated last year from High School. She's not going to college or working at this time. She does want to go to college and is hoping to enroll for Spring semester. I was so nervous talking to her. I know I probably kept rattling on and on. We did have a good conversation-we spoke for about 45 minutes.

After talking to her, my biggest concern is that she has not seen a doctor yet and she's 16 wks along or so-she thinks she's due middle of March. That was one of the conversations I had with the agency after speaking to Amanda. I mean, how can we say we'll proceed with adoption if we don't even know how the baby is doing. She doesn't have insurance, she's living with her parents who are still claiming her on their taxes so she can't qualify for government assistance. SO, now we have to figure out a way to get insurance for her. We've told her that we would pay for the 1st doctor's appt and in the mean time figure out what our options are for the rest of her health care.

I'm frustrated because to me it's easy to see that Amanda needs some guidance. I get that she messed up, but how can you let your daughter not go to the doctor when she's pregnant? I just don't get it.

Amanda has found a doctor and she has an appt scheduled for November 14th. PRAY, PRAY, PRAY!! She should be about 20 wks along and we should be able to find out the sex of the baby. Amanda asked if we wanted to know and I told we did, but if she didn't, we were okay with that. 3 wks seems like forever away, but then again, it's 3 wks closer to her due date!

These next 5 months will probably be the slowest time event ever! Remember when you were a kid and it seemed like the time between Thanksgiving and Christmas stood still? The worst part is that you want to plan for a baby--you need to plan for the baby. I just won't be able to. There's just no way that I'll be able to decorate a room-even if we do find out the sex-not knowing for sure if we'll actually be bringing this little one home.

I was telling a friend last night that I hate being negative--and I feel negative right now. Usually I'm so upbeat about life in general...we have had so many disappoints when it comes to bringing children in our lives. I just want it happen to me. Selfish to say, I know. But it's true.

HOLLLAAA to the Birthday Boy!

This is a shout out to my little brother, Zach. Today is his 17th birthday! Happy Birthday SHNUBBA!!! :) Your sister loves you.

In the beginning.....

Where to start? Oh yes, the beginning.....

Michael and I have tried to conceive for almost 8 years now. Who would have thought that I would have trouble getting pregnant? Never in a million years would I have dreamed that this would happen to me, to us. We spent the 1st years of our marriage trying NOT to get pregnant--we wanted to get everything "perfect". Isn't that funny? Like any part of life is ever perfect-silly me!

Believe me, there's a ton of story to tell between 8 years ago and now, but I'm going to fast forward. The "rest of the story" will have to wait for another day.

Okay-5 months ago is when this story begins. We decided we were going to commit to adopting and work with Lifetime which is a adoption facilitator out of California. We filled out the paperwork, made the phone call and financially committed to Lifetime in June. It was exciting but there was still a lot to do to get "our story" to the birth mothers. We had to make a profile-our entire life history, our wants and dreams-compiled into 12 pages! Believe me, that was tough. We finally got it completed and sent it off. Of course, I thought that within days of OUR profiles arriving we would be "matched" to a birth mother. That wasn't the case, but still I had faith that good news would come any day.

Our any day came last week. I was having an unbelievable day. I went in for a check up with my orthodontist-yes, I have braces-and she told me I was getting my braces off in 3 weeks! WHOO HOOO! I couldn't believe it...I was expecting to have them on for a couple more months. Then, I was driving home and got caught speeding thru town. I was going 56 in a 40-eek, I know. He let me off with a warning. I was like-YES! Later, I was talking to my boss and told him about my day. I said-good things always come in three's. Only one more thing! I was joking of course and I had no idea what was in store. It was late in the afternoon. I was feeling very prayerful. I just broke down. I laid my heart on the line-which is kinda funny. He already knows but it felt so good releasing all the pain and longing that I had. I told Him how ready I was to be a mommy-we've been waiting for so long. I told Him to please let us get a call quickly...He put this longing to be a mom in my heart and soul and I need it to be fulfilled.

Don't you always feel so much better after a good cry and a talk with the Almighty? I know I did. I just felt all my frustration and sadness gone. It's funny, because it's not like I haven't prayed those same thoughts and feelings, but for some reason, this time it was different. I truly felt His peace cover me.

Not 5 minutes after my prayer, my phone rings. I really didn't think much about it, except that the caller ID said private name and number. I thought...interesting, I wonder who that would be. I picked it up and it was adoption agency. She was telling me that a birth mom picked us out of all the profiles she received and wanted to talk to us. I couldn't believe it! Still thinking about that moment, I tear up. I took a moment to compose myself and listened to Bree tell me about this person that might give us the baby my heart & soul has yearned for. It was hard to concentrate. All I wanted to do was to just start crying and thank Him for making this happen.

It's all surreal right now. I want this to happen but I'm so scared of what could happen-does that make sense? I want to be excited but I'm just so afraid. I'm desparately trying to lay this is God's hands. I know that He has been with us the entire time and He will take care of us. I just want a healthy baby so bad, sometimes it just hurts.