I've dreaded facing my blog, facing people, facing emails...facing life in general. Michael & I have holed ourselves up in our home this weekend. I know that I have to face the world, but I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I'm trying to rely on Him, I really am. I keep praying..give me strength..help me make it thru..bring me out of my sorrow. I feel like I have a temporary band-aid and I'm fine for a little bit and then all the pain creeps up again. Michael has been amazing....I mean amazing. I couldn't have made it without his strength & love. I feel like a basket case.
I might as well get this out...we lost the baby. When I say lost, I mean he passed away. I got a call not even 5 hours after I posted my last blog that the birth mother when into the labor Friday morning and our baby had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and didn't make it thru delivery. I'm writing these words and I still can't believe it happened. How could it be that just the day before we were rejoicing because this was THE ONE? I knew...I knew it in my heart of hearts.
I was so mad...I mean sooooo mad. How can He be this cruel? I felt like He dangled this perfect carrot in front of us just to pull it away the next day in the most horrible way. How can He let this happen? Haven't we been patient enough? Haven't we been tested enough? Aren't we good enough? Don't we deserve to have children? Why, why, why? I feel as though my heart was ripped out of my chest, stomped and kicked around, and then put back in. Why are we being punished?? I know, people say, that wasn't your baby...there's a plan.....blah, blah, blah. That's not what I want to hear. I'm tired of hearing that. I wanted that to be my baby. I already loved him and hadn't even met him yet. He was mine and I was his mommy.
I have nothing positive to say right now. I'm sorry. I do love God and I know that He loves me. I know He really didn't do this to us, but that's how I feel--right now. I just need so time to get some perspective. So many other horrible things happen in this world and I know we can get thru this. I just am so ready to be a mommy and when I think about how close I came it just breaks my heart, literally.
My family and friends have been so wonderful. You were rejoicing with us when we thought our prayers were finally being answered and you were crying for us when the unthinkable happened. I love you...I know I owe alot of you emails and phone calls. Just know I'm getting them. I just can't talk about it right now. I need to talk to God for awhile....
Monday, November 12, 2007
How much more can we take?
Posted by Shannon at 8:43 AM
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
8 comments:
Shannon,
Just keep talking to God. No matter what anyone else thinks or says, only he can give you the reasons why things are going the way they are. We have no idea who you will help along their journey to the same spot you are at. Just remember that God does have that perfect baby for you out there. Not only are you their mommy you are the one that they are waiting for just as you are waiting for them. There is a birthmother out there praying for you and doesn't even know who you are yet. I truely believe that you are meant to be a mommmy and that you will be an unbelievable one at that. Heaven will rejoice soon, we just don't know how soon. I love you.
Shannon,
There are not words to express how sorry we are for your loss. You and Michael have been and will continue to be in our prayers daily. I just read the comment from Kisheen- she stated it beautifully. He will see you through this unbearably difficult time.
Brandy and Shane
Dear Shannon and Michael,
We know how much being a mother and daddy means to you both and we hurt with you, ache with you, cry with you. We are trying to understand, too. We love you always. Dean and Jeanine Bryce
I am a friend of Amanda's and have been following your story ever since you and your husband got your page together. I am so sorry for your loss and can't even imagine how hard this must be. I will keep you two in my prayers. You are a beautiful couple, inside and out, and are touching many people by sharing your journey with everyone in this way.
Shannon,
we love you and are praying for you both everyday.
Heath and Kristin
Those of us that got together tonight said an extra prayer for you. May it help you get through the next hour. and maybe the next after that. You do not need to worry about responding back. We just want to support you in the way that you have supported each of us in our journeys. You and Michael are truly incredible people...We love you.
I just randomly came across your blog through another friend's, and JUST started one myself...it's very light hearted so far, but there is a major heartache underneath it...we are struggling to have a family as well and it is SO hard! Never thought when I had to give the birds and bees talk some day, I'd have to explain it by saying, "well, first you take several rounds of Clomid only to find out it didn't work for you..." I also understand about being mad. I think that's okay. You're not wallowing in it, you're grieving. That WAS your child. It's NOT fair. Sometimes you just have to feel bad before you can feel better. You know there's a plan, you know you'll feel better eventually, but right now...well, it just hurts. And that's okay. Much love and in Him, Sarah
I'm so very sorry. I have no idea what to say except that I'm just praying that God will bless beyond your wildest dreams in His timing. There is nothing wrong with being angry.
Post a Comment