Muddling thru....

I'm back...well at least most of me is back. I'm feeling better. I was able to talk about it today to someone who had heard the good news but hadn't heard the rest of the story. I didn't cry or even tear up. I'm thinking that's a good sign.

It's so strange to think how quickly your life can change in a split second. I keep replaying last Thursday and the 24 hours after it. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like that. And honestly I don't ever want to do that again. The let down was so miserable. It was like a dream and everything was in slow-mo. Very surreal.

I must say that trying to adopt is alot harder than I ever imagined. When we went thru our failed invitro, I told Michael that I just couldn't do this again without having a baby in my arms. Adoption seemed like it was going to be so easy compared to the drugs and medical procedures we went thru...especially when you end up empty handed. I don't know...after facing last wk-I'm thinking that was definitely harder.

I've been praying. I'm talking to God constantly-He's probably so tired of hearing me. I keep repeating...please let your time and my time finally collide. Please let this happen soon. Please answer my prayers quickly. I know that He is always working in my life, but these last fews weeks I was seeing it happen. I said a prayer and then days later it would be. I wish that would happen now. I'm ready for the real deal...I'm ready for a baby to be ours. Waiting is so difficult. And I don't want anymore "false alarms".

I worry now that I won't be excited when it finally does happen. I want to be happy-I want to be thrilled when we are matched with our baby. I'm just so scared that not only will the mom change her mind, but of what could happen in delivery. How do you not think about that now? Impossible.

I'm ready for Him to reveal our child...I've never been more ready in my life. Please pray that He'll show us soon and we can begin our happily ever after.