Long Awaited News--sorry!

I know you guys have been waiting and waiting for news. It's just been another one of those wks-I've been unpacking and catching up just so I can prepare to leave again on Sat for a wk. I'm going to Dallas for work.

We had a great time with Molly and Stan. I'll post later about that. It was so good to see her. I needed that time with my sister.

So here's the story-I called Ester on Wednesday on our way back from Molly's house to set up the time to meet her and the kids. She tells me that it all sounded good and to call back when we arrive at the hotel. We had planned for 5ish. I called about 4:00 to set up the time and give her the address, etc and she says-my cousin is stuck in traffic and doesn't know when she'll be home. I was like-okay what do you want to do now? She said-well the kids have a lot of homework.....so maybe we should just meet at the dr's office tomorrow. I told her if that's what she wanted to do, that was fine. Inside I was thinking-I knew you were going to pull something like this. I confirmed with her the time for the dr's appt and she said to be there at 9:30.

Next morning-we get to the dr's office and Ester is not there. It's 9:45 no Ester, 10:00 no Ester. Finally I say-how long are we going to sit here and wait??? We decide to go and get a coffee and come back. Michael said if she's still not there, we are leaving and we're done. I agree. I'm getting more and more irritated. We head outside and I hear my name being called. We look to the right and find Ester with her sister sittng on a bench outside the offices. I'm thinking-why are you sitting here? We met and I'm kind of shocked. Not at all what I expected. She gives us a card the kids made for us with a picture of the ultrasound. The whole time I'm looking at it I'm faking the excitement--to myself I'm looking at it thinking-it's a baby.....not it's MY baby. It freaks me out that I'm feeling this way. Ester asks were you up at the office? I was like-YES you told us to be there at 9:30. She was like-are they open? I was like yeah, there's people up there. Whack-a-doodle!

We go upstairs to the dr's office. They did another ultrasound and the whole time it was like I was somewhere else. I was just going thru the motions...trying to pretend like I was so happy and inside I just wanted to leave. I felt NO connection with the baby-none. All I have to compare it to is Myra. I love going to the dr with Myra, love looking at the ultrasound pics that are up on the refrigerator. I trace her little nose and face all the time. I feel 180 degrees different about Myra than I do Ester. There's no comparison. None at all. This feeling in itself is overwhelming. What's wrong with ME? Why do I feel like this?

There's other things that happen, but honestly I don't feel like writing them all down. I told Michael how I was feeling on our way back home...I think he knew my heart wasn't in it. We are both struggling-we don't want to make a wrong decision. Why does this have to be so hard? I don't want to do anything I will regret. I was not super excited about going to meet Ester, but I had prayed that we would get an answer. I had hoped the answer would be relief and know that going forward was the decision, but we got another answer.

Honestly my heart has already left him for another mom to love. My heart is with my precious little girl who I can't wait to love. Once I told Michael how I felt and it was like a burden had been lifted from my shoulders. My stress level has gone down considerably. I've been able to sleep again and actually enjoy thinking about what's in store for us. Am I bad person? Am I a horrible, horrible person??? I just feel like the situation with Myra is so right and Ester is so wrong.

Michael's worried about what we'll tell people. And I told him we tell them that the situation was not right for our family-that's all there is to it. I think Michael doesn't think so either, but he's so loyal and feels like we have already committed to Ester so we must go thru with it.

Another huge consideration is that we want to do invitro again. The nurse told us we need to do this asap as my eggs are ageing and the longer we wait the less chance we have of being successful. I told Michael that there's no way we can try in January or February and have 2 tiny babies at home. One goal with invitro is trying to be as stress free as possible...with one there's stress, but 2??!!

Obviously this is a hard, stressful, sad situation to be in. I know people will judge our decision-but we have to do what's right for us-stand by it and never look back. This will probably be one of the hardest things we've ever done. We are praying for Him to wrap His arms around us. I've prayed and prayed and prayed for Him to show us what we are supposed to do and I think He has.