Ester

Some exciting news happened. We spoke with a BM last Tuesday and again last night. Ester is 31 yrs old, has 3 kids and raising her niece. She is also taking care of her mother who has being stages of Alzheimer's. (needless to say she has her hands full!) She is Hispanic and the daddy is also Hispanic and that's about all she knows about the dad. I'm guessing she had a one night stand because all she told the agency was that she knew his first name and approximately how tall he was. (Eek-not good, I know.) Anywho, it could be good for us because it will be listed as father unknown so we won't have to worry about him disputing the adoption. I think all they are required to do is place an ad in the paper telling the date, place, etc and if no response, no worries.

She is only 12 wks along-she's due Christmas Day. Won't this be an amazing Christmas gift?? We obviously have a long road ahead of us till December so for now, we will pray and try to find other things to occupy our time.

We can't officially "match" with Ester till she's in her 2nd trimester which will be sometime mid July. For now we're are just chatting with her each wk and trying to get to know her better. She seems very level headed and does know all the sadness we've had to face trying to have children. I pray that this will be the beginning of a new chapter...a happy ending.

I'll keep you updated as we go along. Hopefully soon we'll have some pics of her I can share with you. We are anxious to see her ourselves. Thanks in advance for all your love, support and prayers.

Pot Luck!

We had our meeting with DHS yesterday to start the process of becoming Foster/Adoptive parents. It went really well We filled all the paperwork out. Next step is to determine when we can start our training classes. The social worker said that they start them every month but last month they were full, so we may not be able to get into a class till June. (we have to be approved before we can sign up for the class) I'm praying we can get into May's class....the faster we get the classes done (they are 6 wks) the faster we will be an approved home.

I am still praying that this week we will hear from Lifetime. I turn 35 on Friday and what I really want for my birthday is a baby-or at least to know that a birthmom has chosen us. It's only Wednesday so I'm hopeful.

This weekend was s fun...Friday some of my girlfriends took me out for dinner and pedi's to celebrate my birthday and what could be better than that?? It was great to be together-with the move my life has been topsy turvy and I haven't had much time to socialize. Thanks girls for making me feel special!

Sunday we had a HUGE crowd out to the house. It was Life Group and we decided to combine our old group and new group for a big get together. It was nuts-I think the count was 38 or so and 15 of them were under 5 yrs old! We gave our new house a true initiation! The most fabulous part, besides having so many of my dear friends over, was that Michael and I were prayed over. This is the 2nd time we've done this and it's just so moving. To feel the love and to have hands touching you as prayers were being sent up to Him is amazing. I'm so blessed to have so many friends that truly want us to have a baby almost as much as we do. I couldn't ask for a better support system.

Today I got a call from my dearest friend Sherry-she has a challenge for me....she wants me to run a triathlon with her!!!!! It's the 10th of August so I would have to start training the end of May. Luckily this is a sprint triathlon-which I understand is a shorter. I don't know guys, what do you think? I'm thinking yes-I must be nuts!

Last but not least-please pray for Michael's grandfather-Pop. Michael and I went over to his house yesterday to help them out a bit and Michael ended up taking him to the hospital. He's 87 years old and has lived a great life, but he means the world to Michael. We both really want Pop to meet our child and we just pray that God will let that happen here on earth.

My non-baby exciting news!

Today I sent out the 2nd batch of profiles. As I put them together yesterday, I was praying that a birthmother would fall in love with us and soon we would be blessed with our baby. My birthday is in about 2 wks so that is my ultimate birthday wish....I hope that my prayer of blessings follow and news will be coming quickly. ENOUGH baby talk!

NOW for the exciting news! You will never believe what I did on Saturday! I was so impressed with myself, I have to share it with you. I ran a 5K...my very first! It was Race for the Cure this past weekend and normally I walk it with friends, but this year since I've been working out I decided I would really try and run it. I ran all but about 200 yards or so. I'm mad at myself for even walking that bit because now I feel like I have to preface my great accomplishment with---well I ran all but 200 yards! But seriously-this is something I never thought I would actually do! I HATE and I mean HATE running, but I must say it wasn't so bad. My pace is extremely slow so for next year I'm going to work on that. After I was done Sat, I called 5 people to share my running news! I was so pumped.

We are seeding and strawing our yard today-which I can't wait to be done. It's supposed to rain all week so we totally need to get it done TODAY. Moving into a new house takes so much to get everything just right...we have all these visions and ideas, but they take time and money...both of which are limited right now. Oh well, just one more thing to be patient about.

Another Avenue

Today I feel good-almost at peace. Not totally, but I think I'm getting there. I've been working out with a trainer for almost 2 months now and Tuesday I went in and she was like, somethings different about you today. I told her I felt at peace-she totally got it. Kelly, my trainer, is awesome. She also went thru struggles trying to have children. After finally getting pregnant, she actually lost a baby right after he was born so she has truly been a sounding board for me. She gets me.

We've decided to get into the DHS system and apply to be foster/adoptive parents. This is a route neither one of us thought we would pursue, but too many things have happened now that is leading us to this possibility. Not sure what to expect really, but we are going to a meeting on April 29th to find out more. I'm hoping that all of our paperwork we did for Lifetime will be helpful in moving us more quickly in their systems. We want to leave no rock unturned and no path untraveled to get us to the child that He meant for us to have.

Last night Michael and I were sitting outside on our front porch steps just enjoying the moon and sounds of nighttime. He said, "you know, I can just imagine us sitting out here, watching our children playing in the driveway. Our time is coming. I just know it." I thought, you know what, you're right. Our time is coming. And I can't wait.

I'm Back...

Well, I'm back. I know it's been a long time since I wrote anything. I just couldn't face my last few postings...so I just signed on and didn't re-read anything I wrote. Obviously the pain is still close. I would have never thought in a million years that we wouldn't have a baby yet. I got a note from our coordinator at Lifetime that she needs more profiles. That means out of 50 profiles only 3 birth mothers "liked" us. That's disheartening. I'm in the process of getting more profiles together. I have high expectations which leads me to more heart break. I wish I didn't.

We are going to start the invitro process again, probably in the next few months. We finally finished our new home, which is a huge relief. I want to get settled in before we add more stress to our lives. I did find out that my FSH levels are higher than they should be, but it's still possible to conceive. It just lowers our odds of a success. One source of good news is that Michael's insurance provider was changed beginning in 08 and now invitro is covered up to 12K! That is definitely a blessing. I know I need to be more positive-but my heart is so guarded.

Please don't stop praying for us. We need them desperately. Personally, praying for our baby is getting so hard. I feel like I've poured my heart and soul our to Him and He doesn't hear my sorrow.

Muddling thru....

I'm back...well at least most of me is back. I'm feeling better. I was able to talk about it today to someone who had heard the good news but hadn't heard the rest of the story. I didn't cry or even tear up. I'm thinking that's a good sign.

It's so strange to think how quickly your life can change in a split second. I keep replaying last Thursday and the 24 hours after it. I don't think I've ever experienced anything like that. And honestly I don't ever want to do that again. The let down was so miserable. It was like a dream and everything was in slow-mo. Very surreal.

I must say that trying to adopt is alot harder than I ever imagined. When we went thru our failed invitro, I told Michael that I just couldn't do this again without having a baby in my arms. Adoption seemed like it was going to be so easy compared to the drugs and medical procedures we went thru...especially when you end up empty handed. I don't know...after facing last wk-I'm thinking that was definitely harder.

I've been praying. I'm talking to God constantly-He's probably so tired of hearing me. I keep repeating...please let your time and my time finally collide. Please let this happen soon. Please answer my prayers quickly. I know that He is always working in my life, but these last fews weeks I was seeing it happen. I said a prayer and then days later it would be. I wish that would happen now. I'm ready for the real deal...I'm ready for a baby to be ours. Waiting is so difficult. And I don't want anymore "false alarms".

I worry now that I won't be excited when it finally does happen. I want to be happy-I want to be thrilled when we are matched with our baby. I'm just so scared that not only will the mom change her mind, but of what could happen in delivery. How do you not think about that now? Impossible.

I'm ready for Him to reveal our child...I've never been more ready in my life. Please pray that He'll show us soon and we can begin our happily ever after.

How much more can we take?

I've dreaded facing my blog, facing people, facing emails...facing life in general. Michael & I have holed ourselves up in our home this weekend. I know that I have to face the world, but I just don't know if I have the strength to do it. I'm trying to rely on Him, I really am. I keep praying..give me strength..help me make it thru..bring me out of my sorrow. I feel like I have a temporary band-aid and I'm fine for a little bit and then all the pain creeps up again. Michael has been amazing....I mean amazing. I couldn't have made it without his strength & love. I feel like a basket case.

I might as well get this out...we lost the baby. When I say lost, I mean he passed away. I got a call not even 5 hours after I posted my last blog that the birth mother when into the labor Friday morning and our baby had the cord wrapped around his neck twice and didn't make it thru delivery. I'm writing these words and I still can't believe it happened. How could it be that just the day before we were rejoicing because this was THE ONE? I knew...I knew it in my heart of hearts.

I was so mad...I mean sooooo mad. How can He be this cruel? I felt like He dangled this perfect carrot in front of us just to pull it away the next day in the most horrible way. How can He let this happen? Haven't we been patient enough? Haven't we been tested enough? Aren't we good enough? Don't we deserve to have children? Why, why, why? I feel as though my heart was ripped out of my chest, stomped and kicked around, and then put back in. Why are we being punished?? I know, people say, that wasn't your baby...there's a plan.....blah, blah, blah. That's not what I want to hear. I'm tired of hearing that. I wanted that to be my baby. I already loved him and hadn't even met him yet. He was mine and I was his mommy.

I have nothing positive to say right now. I'm sorry. I do love God and I know that He loves me. I know He really didn't do this to us, but that's how I feel--right now. I just need so time to get some perspective. So many other horrible things happen in this world and I know we can get thru this. I just am so ready to be a mommy and when I think about how close I came it just breaks my heart, literally.

My family and friends have been so wonderful. You were rejoicing with us when we thought our prayers were finally being answered and you were crying for us when the unthinkable happened. I love you...I know I owe alot of you emails and phone calls. Just know I'm getting them. I just can't talk about it right now. I need to talk to God for awhile....